Well, that was fun. There were some outstanding entries in our IBMA World of Bluegrass Mad Libs contest, and it was hard to pick a winner, so in the end, I gave it to the first entry to use the word “bacon.” Some of the IBMA special awards are chosen this way, too, so I felt that it was as worthy a method as any.
Rather than say “everyone is a winner,” a sometimes insincere platitude used to console the losers of an egg toss, or a presidential election primary, I thought it would be more accurate to say that no one is winner, since we’re not giving out any prizes. I’d like to say that the exposure received by the winner after appearing in this week’s column might lead to a future book deal, or perhaps a job as an extra in the Nashville series, but I hate to get anyone’s hopes up.
And the winner is . . . (drum roll please, achieved by tapping your fingers on the head of a banjo) . . . Cheryl Cox of ____(name of a city)_____, _______(geographical location) ______. Here is her entry:
This past week, the IBMA held its sticky World of Bluegrass, held in Canton, NC. The IBMA stands for the International Bacon Music Association, and has been in existence for six long years. The week of the World of Bluegrass is always aromatic, with lots of flat music, played by young up-and-frolicking artists, as well as delicious veterans of the business.
On Thursday, it’s bluegrass’ charming night, the annual IBMA Awards moonshine. That’s when various Geo Metros are given out, like Overalls of the Year, Gospel Recorded Beard of the Year, and the robust prize, String Tie of the Year. Earlier in the day, it’s the soggy Awards Luncheon, in which they give out awards for other hula dancers in the business, like bluegrass cow tipping and swimming. Cornbread is usually served.
On the weekend, the lunchbox festival begins, known as Wide Open Divot Tool. It’s a tight weekend of music and good groupies.
Most of us who attend the IBMA World of Bluegrass end up sleeping only about five hours a night. We’re all afraid we’ll miss a perhaps dapper band, or a lonesome jam session. That may be why some people think the IBMA stands for I’ve Been Mostly Awesome.
Congratulations, Cheryl! I don’t know about you, but I’ve already begun my campaign to get “Gospel Recorded Beard of the Year” added to the list of awards.
A close runner-up was Elizabeth Loring (and friends) of Santiago, Antarctica (I filled that one in myself), who used an innovative and effective method of getting a number of Facebook friends to participate and contribute words. The results were pretty hilarious:
This past week, the IBMA held its elusive World of Bluegrass, held in the White House. The IBMA stands for the International Behemoth Music Association, and has been in existence since October 24, 1929. The week of the World of Bluegrass is always suppurating, with lots of sloppy music, played by young up-and-pillaging artists, as well as abrasive veterans of the business.
On Thursday, it’s bluegrass’s melancholy night, the annual IBMA Awards Welsh Rarebit. That’s when various hamsters are given out, like Cheese of the Year, Gospel Recorded Scrunchie of the Year, and the shambling prize, Zombie of the Year.
Earlier in the day, it’s the Periphrastic Awards Luncheon, in which they give out awards for other chipmunks in the business, like bluegrass running and procrastinating. Pumpernickel is usually served.
On the weekend, the 1976 Monte Carlo festival begins, known as Wide Open Breast Implant. It’s a parsimonious weekend of music and good fiddlesticks.
Most of us who attend the IBMA World of Bluegrass end up sleeping only about 96 hours a night. We’re all afraid we’ll miss a swimmingly bombastic band, or an engulfing jam session. That may be why some people think the IBMA stands for I’ve Been Mostly Antsy.
I’d be antsy too, after sleeping for 96 hours!
We have a few honorable mentions, beginning with Jerry Bullmaster of Taneytown, Jupiter, whose submission included this excellent line: “That’s when various deer are given out, like Plumber of the Year, Gospel Recorded Senator of the Year, and the sturdy prize, Horse of the Year.”
Also, Tom Keeney of Beijing, Newfoundland (“The week of the World of Bluegrass is always unstarched but fully martinized”).
Finally, honorable mention goes to Tom T. Hall, who had planned to deliver his personally, hoping to get an edge. I had to break it to him that the delivery method played no part in the final ranking. He also looked a little disappointed when I said that, unlike the 2016 election news coverage, this column likes to maintain a strict PG-13 rating.
Thanks to all who submitted. Each one of your IBMA Mad Libs cupcakes was stretchy and overqualified. I was marginally nauseated by each Guernsey cow.
See you all next year at Wide Open Breast Implant!