From The Side of the Road… reworked bluegrass song titles with an ’80s flair

I was recently reminded of a column I wrote in which we poked fun at Millennials with some alternatives to bluegrass standards, like “I’m a Man of Constant Netflix,” “Selfie On Top of the World,” and “You Don’t Know My Password.” I’ll admit these were pretty cheap and easy shots, but as I said at the time, these were merely Baby Boomer and Gen-X efforts to distract from the fact that they/we left Millennials a world of student loan debt, Aspertame, and, it could be argued, most of what made 2020 and 2021 the mess they’ve been.

It seems only fair now to turn the tables and present some alternative bluegrass song titles that take aim at the quirks of the decade near and dear to the hearts of Baby Boomer and Gen-X bluegrass lovers: the ’80s. This is a much better plan than my original idea for this column, which was to do a whole new series of Millennial songs that are just regular bluegrass song titles but with the word “So” in front of them (“So You Don’t Know My Mind,” “So I’m a Man of Constant Sorrow,” etc).

So . . . tease up your hair, put on some parachute pants, and enjoy these renamed bluegrass classics. Thanks to my daughter Joanna, who has only read about the ’80s in history books but who knows the music, for her contributions.

I’ve broken these down into various ’80s categories. (Note that while this is a rerun column, bonus songs have been added. You get all of this and more for only $19.99!)

’80s Lifestyle and Fashion:

Big Hair Mon

Whose Shoulder Pads Will You Cry On

Handsome Mullet

Fax On the Run

Sweet Little Ms. Pac-Man

Snort a Line Brother

Out in the Cola Wars

Investment Banks of the Ohio

Blue Moonwalk of Kentucky

Foggy Mountain Breakdance

’80s Music:

Synth City

Billie Jean in the Lowground

Material Girl and the Dreadful Snake

What’s Sugar Coated Love Got to Do With It?

Flashdancing With the Angels

Papa Don’t Preach Little Bennie

When White Doves Cry

Uptown Girl in the Blue Velvet Band

Chalk Up Another One Bites the Dust

I’m Going to Sleep With One Eye of the Tiger Open

Say Say Say Won’t You Be Mine

Lost All My Money For Nothing

Doin’ My Time After Time

’80s Movies, Television and Celebrities:

Cabin on the Hill Street Blues

Remington Steele Rails

River of Michael Jordan

Molly Ringwald and Tenbrooks

Pretty in Pink Polly

Rocky IV Top

Purple Rain Please Go Away

Footloose in the Snow

From the political realm:

Berlin Walls of Time

Reagan Snow

Dan Quayle Prayed

Little Maggie Thatcher

I’m Iran of Contra Sorrow

Gorbachev Up Another One

(The last two are a bit of a stretch, I realize).