I was recently reminded of a column I wrote in which we poked fun at Millennials with some alternatives to bluegrass standards, like I’m a Man of Constant Netflix, Selfie On Top of the World, and You Don’t Know My Password. I’ll admit these were pretty cheap and easy shots, but as I said at the time, these were merely Baby Boomer and Gen-X efforts to distract from the fact that they/we left Millennials and Gen Zs a world of student loan debt, the national debt, Aspertame, and shrinkflation.
It seems only fair now to turn the tables and present some alternative bluegrass song titles that take aim at the quirks of the decade near and dear to the hearts of Baby Boomer and Gen-X bluegrass lovers: the ’80s. This is a much better plan than my original idea for this column, which was to do a whole new series of Millennial songs that are just regular bluegrass song titles but with the word “So” in front of them (“So You Don’t Know My Mind,” “So I’m a Man of Constant Sorrow,” etc).
So . . . tease up your hair, put on some parachute pants, and enjoy these renamed bluegrass classics.
Thanks to my daughter Joanna, who has only read about the ’80s in history books but who knows the music, for her contributions. I’ve broken these down into various ’80s categories. (Note that while this is a rerun column, bonus songs have been added. You get all of this and more for only $19.99!)
‘80s Lifestyle and Fashion:
- Big Hair Mon
- Whose Shoulder Pads Will You Cry On
- Handsome Mullet
- Fax On the Run
- Sweet Little Ms. Pac-Man
- Snort a Line Brother
- Out in the Cola Wars
- Investment Banks of the Ohio
- Blue Moonwalk of Kentucky
- Foggy Mountain Breakdance
- Foggy Mountain Pet Rock
‘80s Music:
- Synth City
- Billie Jean in the Lowground
- Material Girl and the Dreadful Snake
- What’s Sugar Coated Love Got to Do With It?
- Flashdancing With the Angels
- Papa Don’t Preach Little Bennie
- When White Doves Cry
- Uptown Girl in the Blue Velvet Band
- Chalk Up Another One Bites the Dust
- I’m Going to Sleep With One Eye of the Tiger Open
- Say Say Say Won’t You Be Mine
- Lost All My Money For Nothing
‘80s Movies, Television and Celebrities:
- Cabin on the Hill Street Blues
- Remington Steele Rails
- River of Michael Jordan
- Molly Ringwald and Tenbrooks
- Pretty in Pink Polly
- Rocky IV Top
- Purple Rain Please Go Away
- Footloose in the Snow
From the political realm:
- Berlin Walls of Time
- Reagan Snow
- Dan Quayle Prayed
- Little Maggie Thatcher
- I’m Iran of Contra Sorrow
- Gorbachev Up Another One
(The last two are a bit of a stretch, I realize).
